Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

Which wines pair best with gloating?

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

🤭

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.