Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat