Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

Me if I was a dog

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

😂🤣😂🤣

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”