[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
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My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
