Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

you will never know the true number of layers

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?