[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
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tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Life with a cat in one tweet
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread