[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
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EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.