Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in