Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

me logging onto twitter

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?