Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film