Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit