@gorrdano

McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.

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@ianpauldukes

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

@michowl

I pointed to hub’s hearing aid and said is that thing on? He said “yes, I am just trying to figure out what the hell you are saying”

@Reverend_Scott

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

@Ideal_Victoria

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

@tiemoose

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

@brendohare

Just saw a bag of McDonalds in the street. Unsure how this will affect brand. Could be good (free advertising) or bad (no one was eating it)

@Divergentmama

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

@pissrifle

good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude’s blood/bones