I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.
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*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
*Seductively forgets you*
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.