@gorrdano

McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.

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@_Enanem_

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

@KyleMcDowell86

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

@TFLN

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

@philboringphil

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

@causticbob

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

@DevilryFun

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

@Marlebean

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

@Angibangie

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.