Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks