McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
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*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”