Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

Important

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.