McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
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If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the