McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
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Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
don’t we all
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I’m crying im so happy for them
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.