Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed