@KarateDonuts

McDonald’s is now selling the Big MacGyver. Just a slab of meat a paper clip and some foil with a note that says “You figure it out.”

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@jakob_huber

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

@blonde_opinion

Why bury them in the woods when you can get a wood chipper and give back to the land?

@Mikecanrant

“YOU’RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!” – I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.

@AndyAsAdjective

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

@BillPelicanBros

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

@lewisheywood

Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine

@markleggett

I often think “Why would anyone live in Gotham? It’s a shithole!”, but then you choose to live in the shithole that is [YOUR CITY NAME].

@Book_Krazy

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

@InternetHippo

Every year on daylight savings I try to stay awake long enough to catch the government agents coming in through the chimney to change the clocks but i always fall asleep