@cravin4 I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
@KarateDonuts McDonald’s is now selling the Big MacGyver. Just a slab of meat a paper clip and some foil with a note that says “You figure it out.”
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@cravin4 
@justokpanda I’m sorry I can’t make your party but this LEGO treehouse submarine skate park princess castle isn’t just going to build itself
@Moldy_Jellybean My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
@YUCKYBOT The difference between my “Maine lobster” and my “main lobster” is boiling water or a high five.
@ArenaFlowers If video games actually influenced behaviour you’d see a lot more people accidentally jumping in the air when they try to open doors.
@Savage_Scavange Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
@boozemunkee My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
@Tmoney68 [Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
@Megatronic13 Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
@MakesYouGiggle I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?