@KarateDonuts

McDonald’s is now selling the Big MacGyver. Just a slab of meat a paper clip and some foil with a note that says “You figure it out.”

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@cravin4

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

@justokpanda

I’m sorry I can’t make your party but this LEGO treehouse submarine skate park princess castle isn’t just going to build itself

@Moldy_Jellybean

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

@YUCKYBOT

The difference between my “Maine lobster” and my “main lobster” is boiling water or a high five.

@ArenaFlowers

If video games actually influenced behaviour you’d see a lot more people accidentally jumping in the air when they try to open doors.

@Tmoney68

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

@Megatronic13

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

@MakesYouGiggle

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?