McDonald’s is now selling the Big MacGyver. Just a slab of meat a paper clip and some foil with a note that says “You figure it out.”

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Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza


Why bury them in the woods when you can get a wood chipper and give back to the land?


“YOU’RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!” – I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.


I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.


Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.


Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine


I often think “Why would anyone live in Gotham? It’s a shithole!”, but then you choose to live in the shithole that is [YOUR CITY NAME].


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?


Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”


Every year on daylight savings I try to stay awake long enough to catch the government agents coming in through the chimney to change the clocks but i always fall asleep