McDonald’s is now selling the Big MacGyver. Just a slab of meat a paper clip and some foil with a note that says “You figure it out.”

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I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.


I’m sorry I can’t make your party but this LEGO treehouse submarine skate park princess castle isn’t just going to build itself


My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.


The difference between my “Maine lobster” and my “main lobster” is boiling water or a high five.


If video games actually influenced behaviour you’d see a lot more people accidentally jumping in the air when they try to open doors.


[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”


Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay


I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?