Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
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Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
when someone compliments me
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.