Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.