Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

Finally a use for spoilers…

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.