McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
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as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
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What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Fights fire with marshmallows
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.