McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Finally! 😈
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
