McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
I am crying
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
