Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

Easy enough.