Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

I only look at Wordle for the articles

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant