McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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*cough*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Sell your car
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.