Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

as the prophecy foretold

yeah no that’s fair

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

sry

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting