Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]