Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…

Justice League, confused: So like, which half?

Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt