I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Finally! 😈
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.