Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.