mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
You Might Also Like
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
this is the best interaction on twitter
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed