mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
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Need this in my life lol
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.