Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Anime is real

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?