Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
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Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
what
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”