Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
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Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
It was worth a shot 😂
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
This is a whole mood;
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.