Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
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People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter