Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo