mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
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If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Peace was never an option
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe