mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
You Might Also Like
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
this could fix me
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Whoa… oh I see lol
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Thrilling chase underway
