Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

This is my emotional support knife.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice