mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
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Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine