mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.