mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
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can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
😎 🍻
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.