Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

Freaky Friday 2:

The mom and daughter switch bodies again

The mom doesn’t go back

She keeps stealing children’s bodies

She lives forever

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest