Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.