Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

[visiting hours at prison]

BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?

BEAR: I miss the woods.

BW: The tranquility?

BEAR: No, I really need a shit.

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

True

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.