Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

What in the hipster hell is going on here

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.