[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
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A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.