[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
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CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.