Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.