Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

Become ungovernable.

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

I just tested negative for patience.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

Mornin

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂