Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

This can never not be funny 😭😭

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.