mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
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The cycle continues
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.