mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
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I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old