mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
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Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?