Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

thanks auntie mary

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

british sex workers really pound for pound

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.