McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
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In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Yup….perfect score!
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Why is everyone getting married at me
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |