Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

Close call…

I was just discussing this with my cat

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.