McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
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Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!