McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
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Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Ironic
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
The future is now.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.