McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Go gym
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
peeping toms
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
