McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
First I was a pebble..
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
watching gymnastics
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
