me
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we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Free him
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.