Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Drilling for oil is well boring.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist