Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

I hope they boil the right one.

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

i was dropped as an adult

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!