Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
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Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium