Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me