Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

✨☝️✨

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

oh shit

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

this post was so formative to me

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.