Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

Same post same

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

And bowling should be called pinball

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

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