Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

Morning all.

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

doing your own taxes

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.