Me: 馃幎I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-馃幎Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
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My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 馃様
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can鈥檛 be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can鈥檛 be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don鈥檛 want to have to do either
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I鈥檓 having a shitty Valentine鈥檚 Day as well.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Look at this
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I don鈥檛 care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom鈥檚 dog.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
馃ゲ
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don鈥檛 know what you鈥檙e missing
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership