Me: š¶I donāt wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the bossās head
Because-š¶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
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Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; thereās yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehensionā¦and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Boss: Itās Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why Iām-
Boss: Thatās why youāre working.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Gonna get āna na na na na na na naā tattooed on my forearm. Iāll tell girls itās Hey Jude and Iāll tell dudes itās the Batman theme.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
āif you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?ā
āschrodingerā
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ithās too late now brad!
Iām feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess Iāll call my mother.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Iāve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
DATING: i canāt believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please donāt watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
My current size is āI ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers todayā
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think heās made of money?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
This oneās āAlexā.
Why didnāt they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory ā¦
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
another case of gang violins
got banned from Trader Joeās for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
The White House released this completely unedited photo of todayās turkey.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldnāt explain why I was just standing there.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didnāt know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk