Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

😎 🍻

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.