Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

Oh my God.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

Rather alarming headline…

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

Scream sneezers need love too.

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?