Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
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[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in