Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
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they should create new variants of dopamine
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!