Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

Not helping

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

Genius.

$4 #usedbooks