Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.