Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
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do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
why am I working on Labor Day
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman