Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
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Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”