Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
You Might Also Like
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.