Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
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“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”