Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
